Han Solo VS Captain Kirk (Star Wars VS Star Trek) | DEATH BATTLE!
Han Solo VS Captain Kirk (Star Wars VS Star Trek) | DEATH BATTLE!
Interlude
[The episode opens on a quick preview of the battle, in which we see Han Solo screaming and sprinting through the halls of the USS Enterprise. Once he passes, the footage pauses and grays out, as Ringmaster shouts...]
FIGHT!
[The screen then statics into playing the Death Battle intro.]
Boomstick: Han Solo, the rebellious scoundrel smuggler with a heart of gold!
Wiz: James T. Kirk, the charismatic captain of the USS Enterprise!
Boomstick: Today's finally the day, folks! It's time to find out which roguish space-captain will out-think, out-fly and out-blast the other!
[We cut to Wiz and Boomstick.]
Boomstick: He's Wiz and i'm Boomstick!
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a DEATH BATTLE!
---
Never tell Han Solo the odds in a DEATH BATTLE!
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, the first galactic Empire ruled with an iron fist! From the outer rim to the unknown regions, they stopped at nothing to achieve complete totalitarian control over nearly ever star system.
The oppressive system was more than enough to crush the hopes and dreams of most average galactic citizens, forever dooming them to a life of mediocrity and submission - But Han Solo was anything but average.
Well, his name was actually just Han, but an imperial officer-
[We hear Boomstick smack Wiz offscreen.]
H- Hey-!
Growing up on the streets Han yearned to escape the dingy crime world of Corellia with his girlfriend Qi'ra. And he wanted to become a pilot to accomplish that!
And that opportunity presented itself when Han and Qi'ra ran away from their crime boss, Lady Proxima, after a deal gone wrong. Unfortunately, only he would escape.
After that, Han linked up with the Empire and became an Imperial Mudtrooper, hoping one day it would lead to becoming an Imperial pilot, so he could fly back to Corellia and save his girlfie. Great idea on paper, but he kinda sucked at it.
Sucked so bad, in fact, that he ended up being thrown into an underground sewer battle area with a feral Wookie warrior - Chewbacca.
Han managed to talk his way out of that situation by speakin' some Wookie he picked up, and the two ended up becoming the best duo the galaxy had to offer. A captain and his first mate, the dad and the dog he didn't want at first but soon came to love more than his family, if you will...
But ever captain needs a ship, and after linking up with other like-minded smugglers working for crime lord Dryden Voss for a hell of a paycheck, Han would finally get his own.
Ladies and gentleman, if you've somehow never had the pleasure of seeing it before, say hello to the Millennium Falcon! This Corellian YT-1300's equipped with everything a smuggler could ever need. Double quad cannons, Proton torpedoes, Fake floorboards, sick-ass hologram chess, and its calculation systems even contain the intelligence of L3-37, a rebellious droid once owned by the ship's original captain, Lando Calarissian! AKA, Han's second best friend.
That said, Luke was right in calling it a piece of junk, especially under Han's possession. Just look at how it used to look under Lando's ownership compared to Han's... What a piece of junk.
You keep your mouth shut, Wiz! This puppy's seen more battles than even Han has! Hell, Lando used it to blow up the second friggin' Death Star, and even the battle of Exegol!
It's also capable of lightspeed travel through Hyperspace, specific tunnel routes all throughout the galaxy. Although it's a set path that the ship can't be controlled and maneuvered during, and must be calculated on the fly beforehand, the ship has been used to "lightspeed skip" between star systems before. Some have even used this path to destroy ships innumerably bigger than their own by kamakazi-ing straight through them, a technique dubbed the "Holdo maneuver" by the Resistance general who first used it to destroy a giant First Order capital ship.
Of course, this wonderful, beautiful ship isn't all that Solo's got at his disposal!
Han's go-to space cowboy sidearm is none other than his trusty DL-44 blaster.
God, everything this guy has jut gets cooler and cooler. This gun's actually a taken-apart blaster rifle given to him by his mentor figure, Tobias Becket. Who he also shot in a western standoff! With the gun he gave him in the first place!
Blasters in Star Wars shoot energy fields of compacted plasma to impact and burn vital organs of their foes. And, because it's a taken-apart blaster rifle in origin, it packs a pretty major punch, enough to pierce even Stormtrooper armor.
It is prone to overheating with too much usage, but WHO CARES ABOUT THAT WHEN HE SHOOTS FIRST, BITCH?!
[We cut to Wiz and Boomstick in an animated segment.]
Although he'd always rather stick to his trusty blaster, Han's used other kinds of weaponry to finish the job, including Detonite charges, used en masse to destroy entire bunkers and alone to blast opponents great distances.
Wiz, I think you're leaving out Han's most important weapon...
Really? Do tell.
His LIGHTSABER!
...Don't even joke.
Uh, how about when he picked up Luke's youngling-slayer-9000 to cut open a Tauntaun? Or when he and the gang all got their hands on lightsabers and he actually frickin' fought with one?!
Those are incredibly circumstantial. He never actually kept any in the same league as, say, his rival Boba Fett. And he's not even trained with it! And would rather just use a blaster anyway! If everyone had a lightsaber, they would have no meaning.
[Boomstick powers on a blue lightsaber of his own, playing around with it.]
Tell that to this check I just got from Disney! Oop, actually, not a check, it was a C&D. See, you'd have to be a Jedi to see that coming.
[Wiz sighs. Boomstick pauses for a moment before waving his hand, mimicking a Jedi mind trick.]
Oooh, you will PayPal me ten bands, oooh...
[The animated segment ends, and we then return to regular footage.]
Of course, upon meting a plucky band of mistfit heroes, including Luke Skywalker and his future wife Leia Organa, Han Solo would join the galactic Rebellion and fight against the Empire for the freedom of the galaxy.
And he'd be so good at it that he'd be promoted to a general of the Alliance! He helped Luke blow up the first Death Star by knockin' frickin' Darth Vader into space, and even led the charge on the bunker on the forest moon of Endor!
And although fighting for freedom seemed to be Solo's calling, after the war was finally over and the tyrannous reign of the Empire was over, he and Chewbacca returned to their life of smuggling and solitude, although they still lent a helping hand wherever unessicary to the New Republic. Han has accomplished a lot across his years, between the heists, smuggling, and battle against the Empire. He's been in countless firefights with trained Stormtroopers and other bounty hunters.
Like his rival, Boba Fett! He sent that sunovabitch right into the Sarlacc Pit. On accident... So imagine what he could do if he was actually trying!
...I don't think that's how that works.
You know what other bounty hunters he's thrown hands with? Black Krrsantan, the Wookie! I mean, he really got roughed around by him, and Wookies are absolute tanks that can rip people's arms out of their sockets!
Beyond that, in a scuffle with Greedo, he-
SHOT FIRST!
Dodged Greedo's first shot, right at point blank, after the blast was fired. That's an incredible reaction speed, there's no doubt how he's survived so many firefights.
In legends, he and Chewie survived a zombie outbreak on an imperial prison barge! That's the kind of balls you'd expect on the guy who tried to shoot Darth Vader square in the face. He's piloted his ship through dangerous asteroid fields, and evaded fire from way bigger ships thanks to the Falcon's maneuverability.
Hell, one time he pulled out of hyperspace at the exact right moment to go into a planet's atmosphere but not into the planet itself. Although that's likely due to decades of experience with timing with that sort of thing at that point, that's still an extremely impressive note to his reaction speed.
Even without Han piloting it, that ship's been through almost every major dogfight in the Star Wars universe. It's kind of crazy how that thing hasn't fallen apart by now... It's no wonder that Han is such a galactic legend!
Speaking of legends, in both the canon and legends continuities, Han's children with Leia would go on to be force-sensitive, and have a constant struggle of light and dark within. But thanks to their dear old dad's guidance, they would end up fighting for what's right, no matter the cost. And, in a way, that's similar to Han himself.
Years of bounty hunting and his experience with Beckett seemed to weigh Han down. He shut himself off from others, not wanting to trust anyone except Chewbacca. But his new friends started to open him up, to the point where he stopped caring only about himself, and cared more about keeping them safe. Being a real hero dosen't always mean being pure of heart. Sometimes it means being a snarky asshole. So long as you protect those you love when push comes to shove, that's all that matters. That's why he became a Rebellion general in the first place!
And Han's done more than enough to cement his place as one of the greatest leaders the galaxy has ever seen. I mean, the odds of surviving everything he's done for his friends has to be slim to none, yet still, he'll always persevere.
Oh please, Wiz, you should know by now to never tell him the odds.
---
Captain Kirk braves the final frontier in a DEATH BATTLE!
Ever since the very first ancient humans first looked to the sky, we've dreamed of exploring the galaxy. Some people work their entire lives, even just for a chance to shoot beyond the stars.
And none shone brighter than one young James Tiberius Kirk, growing up in good 'ol Riverside, Iowa!
As early as he could, this daring young man enlisted in Starfleet Academy, a program curtsies of the United Federation of Planets. Luckily, both he and his brother used their trademark intelligence, grit and determination to ace their training.
Seriously, he was once smart cookie, even early on! In the academy, there was a test simulation called the Kobayashi Maru, which was unwinnable and meant to teach the students how to deal with high-stress situations and loss. But Kirk hacked the test and made it possible to win, making him the only student to ever pass! He even got an accommodation for critical thinking!
Graduating with accolades, he would be promoted through the ranks until his major breakout - becoming Captain of a ship for a five year mission to explore strange new worlds, seek out new life and new civilizations, and boldly g-
Yeah yeah, i've seen the bumper sticker. But after inheriting a ship from good 'ol Captain Christopher Pike after that guy got hardcore microwaved, Kirk would meet an iconic cast of characters that would define science fiction as we know it today!
Chief Engineer Scotty, Dr. McCoy, Science Officer Spock, and many others would all be brought together by fate to explore the galaxy - and they'd do so onboard a ship just as iconic as they themselves.
Say hello to the NCC-1701 USS Enterprise! Nearly 1,000 feet long and helming a 400-man-crew, it's got everything you'd need for a first contact!
While Kirk dosen't actually pilot the ship himself often, that honor most often goes to Helmsman Sulu, The ship's speed is portrayed on a "Warp" scale. It can go from Warp Factor 1 to, at maximum for its time, Warp Factor 8.
How fast is Warp 1, you might ask? Oh, just THE SPEED OF LIGHT. And that puppy can go up to Warp 8 and still be maneuverable! How frickin' fast is that?! Eight times the speed of light?!
Actually, it's greatly multiplied, to roughly 512 times the speed of light.
[We hear Boomstick spit out his drink offscreen.]
It's also equipped with state of the art Phaser technology. Just one blast from the ship's main laser cannon or torpedoes has been stated to yield enough energy to decimate the surfaces of planets, and even smaller planets themselves!
And its shields are no joke either! They've been in navy dogfights with Starfleet ships on a similar caliber, like the USS Reliant, and waaay more beyond that. And it can practically sponge that damage, minus shaking around the people inside on occasion.
Of course, The Enterprise isn't the only thing at Kirk's disposal. When it's time to beam down to a planet, whether to explore, negotiate, or bare-knuckle-brawl, He's equipped with a myriad of Starfleet weapons to best defend himself and his crew.
Like his Type 2 Hand Phaser! Yeah, remember that giant cannon on the Enterprise? Turns out they can make it pocket sized! The top battery can even come off and act as its own weapon for convenience, and afterwards, the base can self-destruct!
Phasers in Star Trek fire an energy beam comprised of fictional 'nadon particles'. They can stun you, fully paralyzing your body, or be set to kill. And that kill is practically instantaneous.
Seriously, your ass is grass if you get hit with this thing. No matter what part of the body it hits, it instantly vaporizes you at the subatomic level. Sure, that's totally not crossing any ethical moral boundaries, but "what is brain" is totally worth 50 minutes of television.
Kirk is also equipped with a Type 3 Phaser Rifle, which essentially just does more of the same, just packing much more power behind it. It's so powerful that Kirk most often refuses to use it for the sake of his own conscience, but he once used it to kill one of his best friends after he went insane with psychic power, so... there's that.
Pair that with your trusty combat knife, communicator and tricorder, and you're ready to go on an away mission with the boys!
But, some could argue that Kirk's greatest weapon comes not from his weaponry, but from-
HIS DICK! Close enough, welcome back James Bond! Kirk's banged all kinds'a the galaxy's finest women! Human? Of course! Aliens? Sure, why not! Robots? Yes please! Kirk dosen't discriminate, and to me that's beautiful.
I was going to say his physical strength... Although the former has definetly come handy on many occasions. Unfortunately.
Uh, duh, I was talking about his physical strength too, Wiz. Have you seen what happens when his shirt gets ripped? He basically gets a Zenkai Boost.
Kirk has blended together many different forms of martial arts to best suit combat with beings far exceeding humans.
[We cut to Wiz and Boomstick in an animated segment.]
Kirk-Fu, baby! From Judo to WWE, he's got it all mastered! Dropkicks, hand chops, and who could forget the iconic double-fisted back smack?!
Hell, there's even an official guidebook for it. So if you'd like to master almost nonsensically efficient combat, you're welcome to try that out.
No need to worry about that. I've already got my own fighting style!
Really? That's interesting. Do you combine different techniques, or is it wholly original?
Oho, I combine techniques alright. It's called downing five beers and loadin' my shotgun. A technique I think good 'ol Scotty would appriciate...
Next you're gonna tell me you've defeated ridiculously strong aliens with it as well...
You betcha! Y'know, if by 'aliens' you mean 'werewolves that mysterious transform back into my neighbor's dog by the time I get to them'.
[The animated segment ends, and we then return to regular footage.]
He's definetly put those skills to good use. From grappling with Klingons, Vulcans, and even the Gorn, who can lift and throw giant boulders.
Kirk even took a crushing full-strength bear hug from him and had the strength to keep on fightin'!
Perhaps his greatest rival, Khan, was a genetically enhanced human who could crumple steel like it was nothing.
How did Kirk beat him? Y'know, just beating the piss out of him! He's just that built different.
He's fast enough to dodge Phaser beams amidst combat, and should scale to other Starfleet officers with similar training who have performed similar feats.
Like Beckett Marinier, who dodged a shot from a Phaser rifle up close, after it was fired! Kirk's basically a one-man army!
One may believe he's brawn-centered given his frequent brawls, but Kirk is a master negotiator, tactician, and naval commander, known for his outside-of-the-box thinking. Hell, it's what got him a Starfleet accommodation in the first place thanks to that Kobayashi Maru stunt. He essentially had to deal with a strange new alien threat once a week for five years straight, and even beyond that.
Once he finished his five-year service, Kirk reunited with his old crew a couple of times for some final adventures. Saving the whales, meeting god... y'know, retiree-stuff.
And long into his retirement, he'd be convinced by new Enterprise Captain Jean Luc Picard to return to the fight once more. Unfortunately for him, it'd be on this final mission that he'd meet his end, crushed to death by a catwalk.
But just like everything else, he faced everything to the end with a brave smile. Because, in a way, Kirk represents humanity in its purest form. We make mistakes, we struggle with our humanity, And most importantly, we collapse try to fill the hole left in our hearts after we lose those who are important to us, which Kirk has unfortunately undergone many times, from his truest love Edith Keeler, to Spock, to even his own son, all before his very eyes.
But no matter what happens, Kirk will always meet a challenge with a brave face. He'll always pick himself back up and keep fighting for a better tomorrow. Because risk is his business, and life would have no meaning without the hardships we undergo.
And in that sense, I see no better man to boldly go and prove to alien life what humanity is truly like, just as he'd boldly go into Starfleet history as one of the greatest captains the cosmos will ever know.
---
Prelude
Alright, the combatants are set, and we've run the data through all the possibilities!
IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLE!!!
---
Death Battle
[The fight opens on a shot of the USS Enterprise, on a standard course heading through deep space. Captain Kirk speaks in voice over through one of his iconic captain's logs.]
Kirk (OVA): Captain's Log, supplemental. A Small-time smuggler and his furry compatriot have somehow made their way onto my ship, and we have reason to assume they intend to steal an important Federation shipment to aid some distant war effort. While I may personally sympathize with this... creative, almost Robin Hood-esque approach, the safety of my men take a vast priority over conflict Starfleet has no stake in. Regardless, this intruding assailant is currently... sprinting through the halls like a madman.
[We cut to an interior hallway of the Enterprise. The calm, empty room erupts into chaos as a red alert is sounded, the halls flashing with scarlet light. We hear a faint battle cry crescendo as Han Solo sprints through a hallway, making his way to the Hanger bay where the Millennium Falcon is currently docked. Han powers on his comlink to contact Chewbacca.]
Han: I could only hold their attention so long while you got those supplies loaded, okay?! They better be worth it...!
[Chewbacca distantly growls through the comlink.]
Han: I KNOW Leia told me this was a bad plan! Tell me something I DON'T know!
[The smuggler finally reaches the hanger bay of the Enterprise. Despite that, his relief quickly turns to shock as the door opens to reveal Kirk, standing at attention outside of his ship, as three redshirts return from a search of the ship.]
Han: Blast it...!
[He ducks behind a crate, listening in to their dialogue. We then cut to their conversation.]
Redshirt #1: Nothing, sir. We'll do a more thorough search when the proper personnel are ready.
Kirk: Excellent. Any reports of our new friend?
[Han makes himself visible, walking up to Kirk and co. with his hands risen in surrender.]
Han: "Friend's" one way to describe it. It's not right to go lookin' through people's stuff without them knowin', y'know.
[The redshirts are instantly on guard. Kirk gestures them to stand down.]
Kirk: Probable cause, friend. Care to provide any explanation for this disturbance?
Han: Listen here. I'm gonna have to have a talk with your superiors, 'cause this ship here is nothin' but a diplomatic vessel, y'hear? So if you'll let me onto my ship over there, i'll just take my leave...
Kirk: Well, if this is a consular ship, I'd love to meet the ambassador.
[Kirk smirks, easily catching his bluff. Of course, this wasn't Solo's true gambit, as he quickly reached for his DL-44 blaster and shot one of the redshirts, sliding him down against the ramp of the ship. Kirk and the others quickly dashed to take cover behind whatever they could find in the hanger, and Han did the same, crouching down behind a crate.]
Kirk: Don't let that man leave this hangar!
[A shootout begins. The redshirts peek out and fire in Han's direction, but the smuggler uses the opening, peeking out from behind a crate and taking them down. Kirk turns to see them drop to the ground, clutching his Type 2 Hand Phaser.]
Kirk: You know, you've broken about seventy Starfleet regulations so far! Congratulations on the new record!
[Kirk peeks the corner and fires, blasting a hole straight through the crate Han was behind, narrowly missing him. Han quickly takes cover behind more sturdy supplies, not too far to his left.]
Han: Oh, trust me, this ain't a record for me at all.
[Han removes a detonite charge from his belt, arming it and throwing it close to Kirk, sticking on the crate he's currently covering behind. Kirk barely has time to leap and duck out of the way as Han detonates it remotely, the blast causing him to roll through the hanger, knocking the Phaser out of his hand.
Kirk: Rgh...!
[Han takes the advantage to begin firing his blaster at the Starfleet captain. Kirk quickly bounces back, dodging out of the way, before picking up a piece of smoldering steel debris to shield himself with, blocking a shot.
Han: Yeah, this'll work...!
[Han readies a second charge and chucks it towards Kirk once more. Kirk quickly calculates the trajectory on the fly before throwing his debris in retaliation. The two objects meet midair. While the charge sticks to the metal, the force of it knocks both objects back towards Han, and the smuggler is met with the realization that his own explosive is being hurled back at him.]
Han: Oh, give me a break!
[Han dodges out of the way. Kirk picks his Phaser back up and fires at the debris, igniting the charge, which blows away all of Han's cover and knocks Han back into a wall. Kirk presses the advantage to run up and knock the blaster out of his hand with a chop. The two begin trading blows. The captain hits Han in the gut as the smuggler retaliates with a punch to the jaw. After several more, Kirk begins to outclass Han, lightly tossing him forward and merging his fists together for a strengthened chop. Han reels in pain as Kirk lifts him up by his shirt collar.]
Kirk: It's over. I'm taking you into custody, Captain Solo.
Han: Y- Y'know... funny thing about that...!
[Thinking on his feet, Han reaches for Kirk's hand, the one holding his hand Phaser. The two begin a brief struggle before Han raises it up and squeezes, firing the weapon upwards. Heavy crates are being raised above them, and the Phaser beam incinerates the cables. The two men duck and roll out of the way respectively to avoid the thunderous crash. Both regain their footing, seeing each other silhouetted through smoke from the massive crate's impact. They eye their sidearm weapons, both placed on the floor just out of reach, and begin a western standoff.]
Kirk: On three...?
Han: No can do. I hate waiting.
[Han quickly grips his DL-44 and shoots first, nailing Kirk in the shoulder. By the time he can Reach for his own Hand Phaser, Han has already made a sprint for his ship. Kirk emerges fully from the smoke, only scraps of his shirt remaining, trying to hit the smuggler, but ducking under one final beam, Han makes his way onto the ship. Kirk flips up his communicator.]
Kirk: Kirk to bridge - Don't let that freighter get away!
[We cut to Han on board the Millenium Falcon. Chewbacca's head pops up from under the floorboards, growling.]
Han: Hey, I was wondering how they searched the ship without finding you. Come on!
The two reach the cockpit and the Falcon begins to take off. Kirk alone stands tall, facing down the comparably massive ship.
Han: How about a little going away present for new friend, Chewie?!
[Chewbacca growls in compliance, flipping up switches until a trigger with a button reveals itself. The Wookie grips the torpedo control, and a Proton Torpedo is fired, impacting with the floor close to Kirk, wrecking part of the hanger. The Falcon flies away. Han and Chewie make calculations, flipping more switches and pressing more buttons.]
Han: See? What'd I tell ya, everything worked out.
[Chewbacca bellows dissaprovingly.]
Han: Yeah, I know there's more than one guy on the ship! I'd like to see a ship that big track us through hyperspace! PUNCH IT!
[Chewbacca pulls a lever back, and the ship makes the jump to lightspeed. We then cut to the turbolift door on the bridge of the Enterprise opening, as Kirk hurries to the captain's chair. The bridge crew seems relieved. Dr. McCoy speaks up.]
McCoy: Brilliant Timing, Jim. You just missed our uninvited guests.
Kirk: I believe I tasked you lot with not losing him.
[The doctor chuckles in response. Kirk finally settles into his captain's chair, with first officer Spock standing next to it at attention.]
Spock: Apologies, captain. We weren't prepared for a ship that small to jump to Warp Factor 1. The odds of tracking it after 14 seconds are-
Kirk: Never tell me the odds, Mr. Spock.
[Spock raises an eyebrow, looking subtly offended.]
Spock: ...Of course, captain.
Kirk: Mr. Sulu - Warp Factor 2, same probable course heading as that spacecraft.
Sulu: Aye aye, captain.
[After a moment of calculation, the pilot jumps the Enterprise into Warp Factor 2. From an outside perspective, we see the Falcon cruising comfortably through a iridescent blue hyperspace lane... until the Enterprise bursts through the tunnel behind it, shattering the cracked tunnel like glass. The two ships appear to be in some kind of purple, cloudy nebula, with a stream of large asteroids to boot. Han had his feet kicked up in the cockpit, before stumbling out of his chair.]
Han: Oh, gimme a break!
[Chewbacca growls once more.]
Han: NO ONE'S EATING ANY WORDS TODAY! I'll see if I can find a way to blast that bridge - you just make the calculations for the next jump!
[Han takes manual control of the Falcon, narrowly maneuvering the ship to a Phaser shot from the larger opposing craft. It uses the combined asteroids and cloudy nebula for cover to try to avoid any more unwanted attention.]
Sulu: Captain, the vessel has disappeared from the ship's scanner!
Kirk: Scan again! Don't lose that ship!
[As if on command, the Falcon swoops down and fires quad cannons and proton torpedoes at the bridge of the Enterprise from behind. While the shields hold and absorb the fire, it shakes the bridge, and everyone onboard stumbles around out of their chair. Regaining his footing, Kirk sees the Falcon maneuver past an asteroid... and not pass it.
Kirk: Mr. Sulu, fire all Phaser banks at the smallest asteroid - the one to the left!
Sulu: Firing Phasers!
[The Enterprise fires a Phaser beam that completely disintegrates the asteroid to see that the Falcon was hiding behind it.
Han: Blast, he saw through that! Those calculations better be ready...!
[Chewbacca growls and sets the ship into motion, maneuvering around several asteroids to set the ship into place to make the jump. The Enterprise trails behind, braving forward, the asteroids impacting with the shields.]
Kirk: Not this time... Fire Phasers!
Han: Punch it!
[Just like that, the Falcon makes the jump to hyperspace... Or it was about to, before a Phaser beam from the Enterprise shot right through it. The spacecraft exploded into a glorious fireball, the shockwave blowing away chunks of asteroids a mile out. Kirk let out a sigh of relief, relaxed in his chair. Spock interjects.]
Spock: I don't suppose you recovered the supplies beforehand?
Kirk: ...Talk to me in five minutes, won't you, Mr. Spock?
[The Enterprise reroutes, cruising through space once more, warping out of sight.]
---
Post Analysis
K.O!
I guess Han was pretty much screwed when Kirk's shirt got ripped up. Then again, 80s Harrison Ford evens out that playing field, so now i'm not sure WHAT to believe...
This match has several interesting points of debate, so let's break it down into four categories: ships, intelligence, stats, and arsenal.
Starting with their ships! This one was probably a no-duh if you've been paying attention at home.
While the Millennium Falcon was an impressive craft, getting Solo out of many a conflict, It didn't hold a candle to the USS Enterprise.
The Enterprise was way bigger for starters. It's kinda like Han's trying to take down Star Destroyer, but with no real weaknesses to exploit.
While The Falcon was fast, its top speed, lightspeed, was a set path via Hyperspace tunnel - one that Han cannot control his ship in, no less.
Compare that to the Enterprise's Warp Factor 1 being as fast as light, and still manually maneuverable! Hell, it can go up to Warp 8, which has been calculated at its biggest multiple to be more than 500 times that! Han literally wouldn't even see what hit him.
Pair that with the Enterprise's planet-surface leveling phasers and shields that could take hits from similar Starfleet ships, and even an out-of-character Holdo Maneuver would rarely if ever grant Solo a win. This category without a doubt goes to Kirk and the Enterprise.
But a ship is only as good as its captain! Let's talk intelligence. While Han failed miserably at his early training as a Mudtrooper for the Empire, he's dealt with a lot between his smuggling career and service in the Rebellion. He's definetly not stupid, and definetly has more direct large-scale galactic conflict experience than Jim.
That said, Kirk has better experience, training and overall intelligence. Beyond being a standout student from even his teen years of training at Starfleet academy, Kirk dealt with much more unique assortment of aliens almost weekly across his five year service and beyond that have lead him to think even more out of the box than Han.
Han's also consistently portrayed as having a pretty major "wing it" attitude when it comes to his plans and his combat, while Kirk is essentially the best possible combo of brains and brawn for this bout. Hell, he's basically created his own combat style, one that would be way tougher for Han to adapt to than his more freestyle approach.
Which segues well into their stats. In terms of strength, durability and speed, both seem very comparable if not equal at first. However, context matters for their showings of feats, especially when it comes to strength.
Kirk has matched and even bested all kinds of creatures in fisticuffs! Klingons, Spock, the Gorn, and even Khan! Han on the other hand has taken on wookies like Chewbacca and Black Krrsantan. Definetly impressive, but he never really fought back against them.
Against Chewbacca, he kept him at bay with his silver tongue, and with Krrsantan, he really just... took a major beating. Paired with his mastery of combat technique, Kirk is without a doubt much stronger and would likely win if the two came to blows.
Speed it a little trickier, though. While Kirk isn't actually the pilot of the Enterprise, he has piloted it and other crafts at similar absurd speeds on certain occasions. Those are some pretty great reflexes!
Still, with all the firefights Solo has been in and the greater experience piloting, one may at first glance think his superior speed is a done deal.
But Kirk's dodged a ton of lasers in his time too. Just look at the animated series, and those Kelvin movies! Not to mention he should scale to other Starfleet officers, like that lower decker Mariner, who dodged a phaser rifle shot point blank! That's super similar to Han dodgin' Greedo's in the Cantina!
While it's much more up for debate in terms of speed, Kirk's greater fighting prowess should win him this category. Which brings us to our final category - their arsenals.
Both have other things to keep the other on their toes, like Kirk's combat knife and Han's detonite charges, but neither were surefire ways to a kill the other - unlike their trusty sidearms! That's right, it's time to compare sci-fi's best laser guns!
Han Solo's DL-44 blaster was impressive, and certainly packed a punch considering it can pierce Stormtrooper armor. However, it's extremely important to note that blasters in Star Wars fire compacted plasma. Not only does this mean they're likely not quite the speed of light, it also means that they're considerably more non-lethal so long as they impact with a less vital part of your body. Say, your limbs rather than your head or torso.
Compare that to the hand Phaser! These puppies fire those beams of nadion particles - which are definetly way more comparable to actual lasers in how they move and act. Hit any part of your target's body and it will literally incinerate you at a subatomic level. Poof! Gone. Hakai. Even if Han was slightly faster by any margin, the difference of his possible kill versus Kirk's sure-fire kill paired with everything else pretty much seals the deal.
The Phaser also had the option to fully stun and paralyze Solo or self-destruct to give Kirk an opening for a physical beatdown. It's safe to say the captain of the Enterprise has the greater weaponry here, winning him this battle.
[We cut to Wiz and Boomstick.]
Despite the categories we've discussed, this was without a doubt a hard-fought battle. Solo's quick thinking and aggravated stubbornness were certain to net him a win in some scenarios. That said, Captain Kirk's tactical intelligence, destructive arsenal, and physical strength, all paired with the might of the USS Enterprise, proved more than enough to take down the Corellian smuggler for good.
I feel so-low sayin' it, but Kirk sure sent Han to his final frontier.
The winner is James T. Kirk.
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[Alternate TN by u/dukeofducklett2]
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